It's a Conspiracy

so about a week ago i announced that i had lost 10 pounds. there was celebration. there was merriment. i allowed myself to contemplate clothes shopping and summer tank knitting.

then it all came to a screaming halt.

have i plateau'd? no, not exactly. to me a plateau is when you're still doing the dieting and the exercising but the scale refuses to show progress. no, i'd call this more like, "outside influences getting in the way of my progress."

there are many. (if you are a thin person who is now thinking "oh you fat pig, stop your whining just stop eating .... DIE NOW I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT STOP READING MY BLOG MOVE ALONG YOU CRAZY MO-FO!!!)

1. i am married to a man who never in a million years would allow a green vegetable to touch his lips. he has the palate of a 6 year old caveman-child. won't eat anything that comes out of the ground except for bread and pasta and that's just because he hasn't made the connection between wheat and bread. so that means that half of the week i live in a house that has all of those things that are yummy and which threaten "the plan." i've gotten him to hide the cheetos on me which is good. but hiding the ice cream under the bed doesn't work quite so well.

2. i have friends who want to get together with me "for dinner." usually i do ok, ordering salad and a protein and staying away from alcohol unless i've saved up "points" to allow for them. but last sunday was the mother lode of dinners -- a 40th birthday party for L that took place at an extremely yummy italian restaurant. the meal was pre-ordered and served family-style. one of the appetizers was fried calamari. i love calamari. i even eat the tentacles. 1 cup of fried calamari -- 21 points (the average weightwatchers point day is 24). to not do too much damage for the day, i should have stopped there. i did not. mayhem ensued.

3. i have inlaws who love to have "cook-outs" -- every friggin' weekend. and who celebrate every minor event with a friggin' cake. these are not fat people by the way. how they manage to not be spherical when noshing on macaroni salad that could choke a moose, i do not know. weightwatchers maintains that you can lose while still eating your favorite foods. that's a bunch of hogwash, unless 1 elbow consititutes a serving of macaroni salad. i had 3 elbows -- it sent my point values over the edge.

4. 4 days out of the week i spend 2 hours a day with my big ass firmly planted in the seat of my very fabulous car. yes it's a small car but it has a wide wheel base and therefore my fat ass has plenty of fat ass room to spread. i used to walk miles in my normal day.

5. when morale is low at work, department managers bring in bagels and assorted other baked goods. how about a raise. that'll help morale and my weight loss. employee birthday? let's have cake. because an extra load of sugar is what every employee needs to be super productive around 3 in the afternoon. your kid snag too much halloween candy this year and you don't want it in your house? bombard your co-workers with your leftovers. they'll eat anything. ugh. at a previous job, a coworker of mine who i thought always seemed a little odd, once mentioned that you could easily poison 90% of your department within 15 minutes of placing a cake in the kitchen. i stopped eating cake.