Open Letter to an ASSHAT!

dear asshat,

i'm talking to you.  mr. asshat, with your gray "iowa flip"* (aka comb-over) who is trying to prove that he's still some sort of stud, by driving a sporty silver audi convertible, and not some aging "has been" whose prostate is flaring up.  (by the way, is it wise to be driving a convertible when you are so follicularly challenged?  perhaps you should just get a proper haircut? you aren't fooling anyone).

   
please wait your turn.  it's not ok, just because your car is small and you have a penis,  to slip by 3 other cars, on the right, who are patiently waiting for the light to change so you can be the first at the starting gate when it changes to green.  it isn't.  the lane is designed for only one car , not for two small cars side by side.  just one.  single file.  one after another.   even if you're late for your hairclub for men appointment .... I DON'T CARE .... IT'S NOT OK.  LEAVE THE HOUSE EARLIER LIKE THE REST OF US. 

please wait your turn .... once you've gone through the light before everyone else (when everyone else was in front of you initially) it's not ok then to go into the  left lane, because it's considerably shorter than the right lane (that you should be in , because i'm watching you .... how can i not be with the reflection of the sun off of your half covered skull acting like a beacon, and i can anticipate your every move.    it's not ok, to choose the shorter left hand lane, and then cut someone off who waited patiently in the right hand lane, so you can make a right turn.  it's not ok.  want to know why the traffic is so heinous this morning?  BECAUSE OF ASSHATS LIKE YOU!!!!

god i love the word "asshat."

*i mean no disrespect to the beautiful state of iowa.  i have visited ... well iowa city anyway ... a couple of times, and i found it to be charming and the people are very nice and they don't honk ...AND I'M SURE THEY DON'T CUT PEOPLE OFF IN TRAFFIC!!!! i even considered moving there except that i'm not nice enough.

ok, i 'm done.  here are some socks i just finished.   details later.

Comments

[Kathode Ray Tube]

That asshat was also trying to sneak up and cut me off when his lane ended due to construction! I made sure he didn't get in front of my car -- bwah ha ha!!!

I love the socks -- they look great.

[Tracey]

Asshat is a great word isn't it? I do remember nearly getting killed by my bf once. We were following an asshat in a beamer convertible, who was displaying the same unremarkable driving abilites. When we got to the traffic light we happened to be in the lane right smack next to him. My window was rolled down and he was giving me the "I'm hot shit look" to which I said very loudly, "Hmph, you spent all that money...and it's still small isn't it honey?" My bf at the time, rolled my window up while yelling at me about how that guy was gonna kill us...he locked the doors too.

[john]

Asshat's a good one, for sure. Jackball is another one I like. Got that one from Scout. I think you left something out when you said, just because your car is small and you have a penis - you should have said "and a SMALL penis...." hahaha

[Lisa]

I hate it when people are idiots in traffic. Especially when it is raining and they cut you off so you really have to pray the ass behind you that is driving entirely too close doesn't ram you. :( I do love those socks too.

[Lu]

Love the term ASSHAT - I had never heard it before. I will have to try it out one of these days. Thanks for the early morning smile. Love the sock.

[Wanda]

Asshat, totally funny. Great socks.

[Ruth]

We Iowans hate asshats, too.

I met this guy -- or several of his relatives -- on my way to my doctor's appointment Monday. Perhaps we were on the same highway.

[Ashley]

Hee! I love the non-sequitur of the socks. I heartily agree with all the love for the word "asshat"--it is second only to my love for the word "assclown."

[Elinor]

One of my favorite words too. This incident, however, I think is one of the insipid costs of living where you do!!! :-) But combovers are never cool! :-)

[Sara]

This is why I want to someday fix my car up with guns in the tires... so when some shithead decides to pass me I can blow out his tires and laugh.

[Tracy WW]

You crack me up! Thanks for speaking up for decent drivers. Down with asshats!!!

[Steph B.]

I'm also very fond of Rabbitch's assmuppet. Although people do look at me strangely when I use it. I think I'll try asshat on for size. (That sounds bad, but you know what I mean!) I had a guy last month, in a convertible with a dainty dog, cut me off in a turn lane and then pull over and flip me off when I honked at him for nearly smashing into me! Some people apparently just go to school to become asshats, I presume. Hope today is better for you!

[Beth S.]

And they say Massachusetts drivers are bad! What was his damage, anyway?!...

[Stephanie]

What is it with people thinking they drive however they want? Nice socks!

[Alison]

Beautiful socks! I really love that color.

I have seen so many people not only break actual traffic laws, but not even show common decency in their decisions. I have seen people do exactly like your "asshat" guy. Why would someone do that?! What possesses people and makes them think that the laws don't apply to them? Sorry, you've really hit a nerve with me because it bugs me that I have to share the road with people like that.

[Manise]

Awesome socks. Asshat sounds vile- cannot abide those types. So does the icky comb over really flap in the breeze or is it glued down? I like the egging idea. Heee!

[Suzanne]

Convertible, huh? How's your pitching arm? You could put a box of raw eggs in the passenger seat of your car and wing them into his car as he squeezes by. That may be a little disruptive for other drivers, though. Know anyone at the RMV? If you could catch his license plate number, you could have it traced to his address and egg the car or at least the garage. I agree that this would not garner the same satisfaction as splitting an egg on his Iowa flip.

[Sue F.]

High suckage quotient in the AM commute, I gather. Are those the Gentleman's Fancy Socks from Knitting Vintage Socks? I made those for my dad in camo Lorna's Laces since he likes to hunt, but I like the solid color better.

[Mintyfresh]

wow, things that make me happy monday has taken quite a turn! :)

[Anne]

Nice socks!

My very favorite thing is seeing the asshats get pulled over. Hee hee! Schadenfreude... It's a beautiful thing.

[claudia]

Great picture, and cute socks. Red is a tough color for me to get right.

[Teenuh]

I so love the word asshat. And I so love those socks! :)

[janna]

One more reason I'm happy to be moving to Iowa City next month. ;-) Just today, I mentioned to a co-worker that EVERYONE I've met there is so nice! (Oh -- and sorry about the asshat driver!)

[colleen]

Those socks are beautiful!

And there's no way on god's green earth that Mr. Asshat's a knitter. Somehow, I find comfort in that.

[Chris]

Hmm, I think I've encountered him on my commute, too.

Pretty socks!

[Melissa]

P.S. In reading the "about you" (to confirm that this was indeed a Boston driver), I read about when you got married and thanks for giving me some hope! (I'm 35).

[Melissa]

Love the socks. As soon as I finished reading your post, I knew, I just knew that this was a Boston driver. Ugh. I've been seeing more of that move lately and it is HIGHLY distressing -- both for drivers and my blood pressure!!

[Moiface]

These look great! Congrats!

[kat]

oh, they are everywhere, aren't they!
I love the socks :)

[Lucia]

At times like that I try to say serenely to myself "dai dorogu duroku." This is a Russian phrase known as the 3-d rule and roughly translated "give the road to the idiot" (because you're much safer with the idiot in front of you than behind you). I like the alliteration.

OTOH "asshat" has so much more brevity and panache.

Asshat.

[Kat]

Heh. Asshat is a great word. It's quite popular on the snarky lawyer chat board I post on.

[Scribbles & Bits]

Yay asshat rants! And yay for your lovely new socks!

[elizabeth]

Asshat socks...heh...

[Teresa C]

Hey! I made those socks! Those are great!

I swear, I should not be allowed out in public, or at least behind the wheel. I have that same monologue at least once every car ride, usually at the top of my lungs. Swearing is usually a big part of it, and my girls have certainly heard it all when I am driving. What a world it would be if everyone was just polite. Patient. Selfless. Safety conscious. Anything but a self important, self-centered, pain in the butt, effing ASSHAT!

[Cathi]

Congrats on the finished socks! I really like them!

One of my favorite moments was when a mild-mannered friend of mine yelled at some Middle-Aged Crisis In Training guy next to us, 'Driving faster isn't going to make your penis grow any quicker!' It was beautiful.

[Julie]

Nice rant; beautiful socks. Love Dave's question - Road Rage Red :)

[Dave Daniels]

Wow, asshats and socks in one post. I never thought it could be done. But, YOU have managed it quite nicely. And asshats don't deserve a real haircut. They DESERVE to be flapping in the wind.
Beautiful knitting on the socks. Is that the Road Rage Red color way?

[pamela wynne]

Mr. Asshat is just jealous because you've got these sexy red socks, an all he has is a lame asshat sports car.

[Carol]

That same guy drives here too and he's got plenty of relatives ;) Your kitty girls are darling and so are the new socks!

[Yukiko]

The socks are wonderful ... I must finish my first pair ...

[Amy in StL]

I think I live in the area that should be known as "St. Louis' home to men with a combover who drive little sports cars". They do seem to think they own the road don't they?

[JessaLu]

Dude the two of us are never to drive together - you sound just like I do when I get ramped up ;o)

Love the sockage!

[Cookie]

Donald Trump cut you off?! o.0

/going to hell

(Lovely socks!)

[cyn]

those are beautiful socks maryse. can i duck my head while asking where the list of "why i love mondays" or whatever has gone? Ode to Asshat was very eloquent though. :)

[Carole]

Tough commute this morning, eh?