just maryse

The Placebo Effect

my coping skills have taken a beating lately, what with the constant public crying and the intermittant anxiety attacks.  oh, and the problems sleeping.

so i took the bull by the horns and went to see my doctor.  i even allowed myself to be weighed (why is the scale at the doctor's always off by A LOT.  and i know how much i weigh because i get weighed weekly for "the plan" and i weigh myself as well.  this is not about my being in denial about what the number should be on the scale.).  just so i could get prescribed some "happy pills."

 

i know i am way too excited for these, but any relief will be welcomed relief.  i'm not used to feeling this out of control.  and considering that even under the best of circumstances i can be a bit moody and high-strung, my guess is that these are way overdue.

i'll let you know how they work.

in the meantime, tonight i'm having dinner with an old friend.  he gives the best hugs.

 

A Little Knitting

In a few days, i'll be moving out of the house.  i know it what it looks like.  my moving out seems to read that i'm done with him.  that i'm leaving the marriage.  but the truth is that i'm moving out so that he will stop pressuring me for a divorce.  i can hardly be expected to agree to something so final when i still catch myself thinking that it's not really happening. 

this past weekend was a tough one.  it hit me hard that in a matter of days i would no longer be living in this house. and as unhappy as i've been with the condition of that house, it still was my home.  and a place where i felt safe because i was with j.  now i don't feel so safe.

oh well.  

i keep telling myself :

1. although i feel as if i'm grieving a death, that j is in fact not dead.  he may be dead to me (or i may be dead to him) but he's still breathing.

2. i have lots and lots of friends.  most notably the family that have turned their own lives upside down to give me a place to live for the next few months.

3. i have supportive inlaws.  yep, they don't understand j anymore than i do. and they've been calling and checking in. 

4. i have supportive parents.  my poor dad wants to come and help me move once i've found a more permanent situation.   he's 79.  and my mother can't travel and can't be left alone.  jesus, they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

5. my health.  until recently i took this for granted.  i never will again.

6. a job.  it doesn't bring me much joy but it does bring me a steady paycheck. 

it's hard to stay positive but i'm really really trying.

in the meantime i have been doing a little knitting.

Eye Candy Friday

i haven't done one of these in a while.

near my parents' house is a park. and in the center of the park is this island of flowers.

Foodstuffs

it's time to get these depressing posts off the top of my blog. 

second to yarn and fiber, nothing puts a smile on the face of a knitter (or at least the knitters i know) like cheese and saucisson.

Bon Appetit!

Onward Ho!

hi

just checking in.  i'm still kind of a mess.  but i'm trying to move forward.  still no change on the home front.  j's been out of town for a week and i've been spending that time cleaning and packing up.  before he left, he agreed to stop pressuring me on the divorce if i moved out.  or rather, i offered to move out if he stopped pressuring me, and he agreed.  then.  i'm not confident that he won't change his mind.  but at this point, since it appears that I REALLY DID NOTHING WRONG i have to stop letting him call all of the shots.  I'M LEAVING ASSHOLE SO LAY OFF!

heh.

i've doing the best i can to be pro-active.  i've got a therapist.  i've scheduled doctors and dentist appointments -- i got a mammogram for the first time in my life.  (and yeah it does hurt for like 5 seconds.  but once you get past the idea of the tech handling your boobs like bread dough, it's not bad at all).  and i joined a weight loss program type place because you know if i'm going to be single again, i can't be this fat.  

i've been going out and hanging out with friends.

but things that i love to do i feel no pleasure doing.  i can't concentrate on reading.  i've barely knit a stitch.  and my camera has stayed in it's bag for over a month except for when i was in france.  and those pictures look like shit.

at the end of the month, i'm moving in with friends.  at least i won't be alone and i don't have to sign a lease which to me is like putting nails in the coffin of our marriage.

 i'm doing the best i can.