bag 'n' trash

Onward Ho!

hi

just checking in.  i'm still kind of a mess.  but i'm trying to move forward.  still no change on the home front.  j's been out of town for a week and i've been spending that time cleaning and packing up.  before he left, he agreed to stop pressuring me on the divorce if i moved out.  or rather, i offered to move out if he stopped pressuring me, and he agreed.  then.  i'm not confident that he won't change his mind.  but at this point, since it appears that I REALLY DID NOTHING WRONG i have to stop letting him call all of the shots.  I'M LEAVING ASSHOLE SO LAY OFF!

heh.

i've doing the best i can to be pro-active.  i've got a therapist.  i've scheduled doctors and dentist appointments -- i got a mammogram for the first time in my life.  (and yeah it does hurt for like 5 seconds.  but once you get past the idea of the tech handling your boobs like bread dough, it's not bad at all).  and i joined a weight loss program type place because you know if i'm going to be single again, i can't be this fat.  

i've been going out and hanging out with friends.

but things that i love to do i feel no pleasure doing.  i can't concentrate on reading.  i've barely knit a stitch.  and my camera has stayed in it's bag for over a month except for when i was in france.  and those pictures look like shit.

at the end of the month, i'm moving in with friends.  at least i won't be alone and i don't have to sign a lease which to me is like putting nails in the coffin of our marriage.

 i'm doing the best i can.

Thank You All

I just wanted to let you all know how much your kind words of support meant to me.  I meant to thank you all individually, but whenever I tried to respond I just kind of would end up crying.

My time in France was less about healing, and more about grieving -- remembering the first time i brought him to meet my family;  and the trip we took when we brought our nieces over 4 years ago, and finally, last year, when he promied me we would be together forever.  And although I've been back in the States for only 3 hours, I know my marriage is over.  I had a sliver of hope that he might miss me but it appears that he did not. 

I'm going to try and not make this a blog about divorce, because you know, that would suck.

Thanks again.  I only wish I could fully express how touched I am by all of you.

Ce N'est Q'un Au Revoir

this is a difficult post for me to write as i'm not one to share really personal stuff about my life in this forum.  it's not that i'm a particularly private person myself.   i'll pretty much tell you anything you want to know face-to-face.  the internet though still scares me a little.

but this latest news is so huge and so devastating to me that i need to put it out there or i'll burst with sorrow.  my husband of almost 7 years has told me he wants a divorce and i've never felt so broken in my entire life.  i waited a long time for him and despite the difficulties we've been having, he still is the love of my life.  that he doesn't feel the same anymore breaks my heart. 

later on today, i'm going home to france for 10 days while he stays here and maybe reflects on what life might be like without me around.  i'm not hopeful that anything will change.

i'm a strong person. i know i will survive this.  and i might even end up stronger on the other side. i guarantee though, that i will never be the same.

thanks for indulging me. 

Ruffles Ruffles Ruffles

you know when you've got an idea in your head?  and you follow through with that idea?  and the real thing is even better in real life than it was in your head?  how crazy that feeling is?  and a little scary because OMG I JUST MADE SOMETHING FROM INSIDE MY HEAD and how you want to show it to everyone? 

that's how i felt when i made these pillows.

i know, they're a little crazy aren't they. heh. 

anyway, the thing was that i couldn't share them with anyone because i was making them for the July/August issue of crochet today. so it was all very double secret.  but now i can.  check it out!  they're in a magazine!

they're called Petal Pillows (duh) and because they are made with bulky yarn, they are super fast to make. 

   

Unfortunately the pattern isn't available online, but this issue has all sorts of great patterns, so i think you should buy it anyway.  heh.

Here's the Ravelry link. 

A Tale of a Little Tree

last year in honor of earth day, the realty company that owns the building that i work in, gave out tiny little trees and encouraged us to plant them.

so i planted the wee thing and hoped for the best.

and check it out!  a year later, it's bigger!!!

maybe not a lot taller, but he's got five branches!

this year, they gave us packets of forget-me-not seeds.  I'm going to plant those too and see what happens.

happy earth day everyone!

Six Whole Years!

ha!  check it out!  my blog is six years old! 

it started small with two tiny posts on april 16, 2004.  just a couple of lines of text.  nothing really but a tiny shoot of myself out there in the jungle that was the blogging world back then.  (heh. i'm such a dork.)

a year later, much to my surprise, i was still here.  i was posting fairly regularly and was sharing more of my real life than i am today.  my photos were kind of lousy though and small.  shortly after my first anniversary, i would suck it up and finally learn how to knit socks.

in 2006, i participated in my first project spectrum, got dissed by grumperina (ha! it was a joke!) and continued to knit socks and ugly crocheted things when sick with fever. 

in 2007, i wrote a philosphical post to celebrate my blog birthday.  and there's a photo of my boy, napoleon.  i still miss you buddy.  and my feelings about the great people i've met hasn't change.  love you guys!

2008 was the year of the googly.  i have a pouch of googlies somewhere.  i should really bring them out again.

and last year i celebrated by running a contest that i never followed up on.  hmmm.  sorry about that. but i wore a mustache for you!  no?  that doesn't count?

anyway, i don't blog as much as i used to.  i have other distractions now, like flickr and twitter.  and i certainly don't read other blogs as much as i used to either, which i regret since there's so much inspiration in them.  but i haven't once thought about quitting.  it's kind of cool to be able to see how i've progressed in the past 6 years. 

so here's to another year.  i owe presents from last year, so i'm going to follow-up on that. 

thanks for reading.

oh jamie, my jamie

i seem to have developed a bit of an obsession.  and i'm not verra proud.  but i also can not deny it, since it has infiltrated even my crafty life.

at least it's got me reading again.  heh. 

Happy New Year!!

if i think about this past year, it's been one of transformation for me.  no, i didn't lose weight (well i did and i do weigh less today -- 6 lbs but it could have gone the other way -- than i did at this time last year) and i'm still at the same job, living in the same house with the same backhoe, and with the same husband (despite the backhoe).  but i do think i've put myself in situations that just a year earlier i may not have.  and have succeeded.  maybe not big "S" succeeded -- you know, the kind of success that you can brag about at reunions -- but certainly small "s" succeeded.  and for that i am thankful.

i need remember that big change is made up of small changes over time. thanks for showing me that 2009.

and now here's to 2010!  i wish you all a happy new year!! please stay healthy and be happy. 

Thankful Thursday

a few weeks ago, carole encouraged us to think about things we were thankful for.  i was going to use that theme to start blogging more regularly but of course i didn't.  heh.  HEY I'VE BEEN BUSY!

but it's December, and it's my birthday month, if you've followed me over the years, you know i get a little introspective at this time of year and start taking stock of my life and thinking about what i've accomplished or what i wanted to accomplish and didn't. 

and when i do that, i get a little anxious and sad, and maudlin.

so fuck that.

this thursday, i'm thankful for my new kick ass boots.  yep.  boots.

i rarely bother with boots because not only do i have crazy large feet, i also have crazy big legs so sometimes even ankle boots don't fit right. 

but these are perfect. 

and they make me so very happy.  i feel like i could kick some serious ass when i wear these.  

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i also got a pair in black.  shhhh. 

Best Intentions

this morning i had every intention of writing up a quick post.  i have recently finished a couple of projects and wanted to blog about them.  and it was time.  it had been a month since my last post.

but first i had a train to catch, and then work was crazy and frustrating and since i've been home, all i can think about is my nice warm bed.  i'd be in bed already if it wasn't 9 o'clock yet. 

anyway, there you go.  a blog post.  about nothing really. except for me whining about being tired.  heh.